101 Ways to kill Harry Potter
by Asphodel Gray
Summary: "So, how do you think you're going to die today?" Harry was getting tired of his foretold demise. Professor Trelawney meant well, but he found it unlikely that his encounter with death was going to come any time soon when she kept changing her mind about how he was going to die.
1. Day 1: An Encounter with Death

**Day 1:**

Somehow, Harry had managed to get through all of his previous classes without incident. In Potions, there had been an accident at the beginning of the previous hour, so Professor Sprout had substituted for Professor Snape.

Divinations class was next. Harry knew his luck wouldn't hold, and accepted the fact that it was very likely going to go the same way it had yesterday... which is to say, in a word, horrendously.

Sitting down at his seat next to his lab partner, he gratefully received the tea that Neville had prepared before class, and drank it down in one swig, resigning himself to his fate.

"How do you think you're going to die today, Potter?" Teased Draco from the front row, earning laughter from the Slytherins.

Neville, who sat next to Harry, spoke up.

"L-Leave him alone, Malfoy! Last week, didn't you meet a 'foul end'?"

The blonde haired boy turned a vibrant shade of red and sputtered indignantly.

"I flew into the wrong end of a duck during quidditch practice, but that hardly counts!"

It was at that moment that Professor Trelawney entered in an explosion of pink smoke from the fireplace.

"Be ready, my students! Today, we shall start with the most sacred of all rituals- the most humble, yet powerful method of-"

"Get on with it, you old bat!"

"Yeah! Let's just get this over with!"

She narrowed her eyes for a moment.

"...Twenty points from Slytherin. The most humble, yet powerful method of prophecy: The reading of the leaves! Now, as your tea has already been drunk, I'll simply start with the tea leaves! Which of you will go first? Do we have a volunteer?"

Neville raised his hand.

She examined his cup.

"Mr. Longbottom, I see fire in your future! Great, burning fire!"

"I have detention with Professor Snape next, ma'am. My partner for the assignment is Seamus."

"Oh, yes, that _would_ explain it... Next?"

They went one by one until, finally, it was Harry's turn.

"Mr. Potter last yet again... My, it must be fate! Come now, let me see them!"

He wordlessly handed her the cup, praying that it would fall to the floor, spilling the leaves and excusing him from participation.

"Oh, my dearest student! _Terrible_ things have been foretold!"

"My inevitable demise?"

"Indeed! And you will go through many hardships, for your-"

"Greatest enemy has returned?"

"Why, however did you know?" She asked, confused.

"Lucky guess."

"Not luck, I'm afraid, for I see an encounter with death upon your dawning horizon!"

"Death, you said?"

"Yes! Now, I must go warn the Headmaster that you are fated to die!"

The hour ended at that moment, and the students were excused.

Harry walked out, accompanied by Neville.

"An encounter with death?"

"Purple Death is the name of Seamus' owl. Since you're both in detention, I'm feeding her for him."

"An encounter with _Death!_ "

"More or less."

"...Well, she wasn't wrong."

...

 **I've been meaning to write this story for a while. I've got at least thirty on the back-burner, and I've all but discontinued Spectral Shots (Though there's still hope!), but I decided to put this series out here because...why not?**

 **{For those of you who didn't get the joke about Malfoy meeting a foul end: Ducks are waterfowl, and to fly into the wrong end of one is to meet a 'Fowl end'.}**

 **I missed writing. Trying to write in a new fandom? It sounded like a fun challenge.**

 **No promises on frequent updates, though I will try.**

 **Regards,**

 **Asphodel Gray**


	2. Day 2: A sealed FAYTE

**Day 2:**

"And _that,"_ Trelawney declared, "is precisely why we are, under _no circumstances,_ to infuse Essence of Wolfsbane and Chai tea! Why, even the most simple of... never mind, off to the mediwitch with you! Brown, go with him, if only to make sure that he doesn't make any other incompetent mistakes that cause explosions, destroying perfectly good Tasmanian seeing gems!"

"Y-Yes, Professor!"

Harry looked upon the scene glumly.

Seamus' accident had bought him only a little time, and there was only one name left to be called for the day.

"You're up next."

"Don't remind me."

The usual teatime death prediction had been delayed by a rather loud explosion with Seamus' kettle, one that had shrapnel flying everywhere.

Luckily, no students were injured.

The same couldn't be said for the rare shipment of Tasmanian crystals, blessed in seeing-pools of the African Oracles by a priestess of the Old Religion.

Merlin himself was said to have used them.

Understandably, this upset the professor greatly.

"Mr. Potter, would you be so kind as to hand me your cup?"

He forewent his usual stalling tactics, not wanting to incur her wrath.

Her hand flung to her heart, and her eyebrows rose up her forehead so high that they reached her colourful headscarf.

"Oh, first the crystals, and now, my best student! The grim, with the pyre and the stocks- His fate shall be sealed by a beastly encounter, until his judgement day has come to pass!"

Harry's eyes, bright green in the afternoon light, lit up with comprehension.

"Professor, I think I know what-!"

"How much clearer could it be? I must consult Dumbledore! Surely he will stop this attack, just like the others!"

She threw down a smoke bomb, exiting the room in a pink poof that filled up the room, leaving the students coughing and wheezing.

"Great Merlin's uncle, hasn't she heard of using the _door_?!"

"There's pink in my mouth. It tastes like sweat and glitter." Andrew PollyMolly complained with a cough.

"How would you know?" Asked an older Gryffindor, teasing.

"Weasleys! How else?"

The Gryffindor paused.

"...That _does_ explain it."

Neville looked to Harry for explanation on the situation with Professor Trelawney while the other students complained about the increasingly standard pink dusting of the day.

"A beastly fate? What was that all about?"

"We took our F.A.Y.T.E. exams on magical creatures. As part of the final curriculum in the _Fantastic Beasts_ unit, the garden gnomes we trained are grading our papers. They're to be sealed until they can be graded-"

"In other words, their Judgement Day. Well, isn't that anticlimactic." Neville said, sounding a bit saddened.

"Neville, you almost sound disappointed. Sometimes, I wonder if you _like_ danger..."

"I hang around you, don't I?"

...

 **Two updates within a week. You're probably wondering what alien has kidnapped and replaced me.**

 **I assure you that I'm still Asphodel. My birthday's just coming up soon, though, so I decided to give you a present.**

 **For those of you who were wondering, any time that Trelawney confronts Dumbledore about these matters, he simply states that he is doing everything in his power to protect the students, and thanks her for informing him.**

 **I'm not Trelawney-bashing, but I think that she's very eccentric, and that's incredibly fun to play with. Sorry if she's OOC.**

 **Feel free to tell me about any spelling/grammar errors, and I'll do my best to fix them. If you have any ideas for this, or any of my other stories, I'd love to hear them, so just leave a review of PM me, and I'll try to get back to you.**

 **I could use some ideas for prophecies, because it's harder than you'd think to come up with them.**

 **You guys are awesome,**

 **-Asphodel Gray.**


	3. Day 3: Harry's Croaked

**Day Three:**

Harry stumbled late into the classroom just as all the students took out their good parchment and quills. He'd only just escaped the hospital wing, after Wood's hexed broom, courtesy of Slytherin, slammed into him during Quidditch practice yesterday, fulfilling yesterday's prophecy.

Trelawney was right. He _did_ bite the dust… and some grass… and a lot of blood.

Ow.

His head still was sore from the rough landing.

The students fervently took notes, occasionally glancing up and staring at him as he hurriedly made his way to his seat.

A few younger, giggling girls were brewing a potion in the back of the room with a miniature brewing set.

They must have decided to join in the fun without Trelawney to shoo them out.

He set his things on the desk, and opened his book.

Neville stared at him intently, then wrote down a series of notes on the parchment.

"What's the homework?"

Neville grabbed another sheet of parchment.

"You are."

"Sorry, I'm the _what?"_

The scribbling intensified.

"Trelawney wants to know why you haven't died yet. Our homework is to learn as much as we can for the test."

"There's going to be a _test?!"_

"Oi, Potter! Stop talking so much! I'm running out of ink!"

His deskmate smacked the back of his head.

"Quiet! ' _He looked at the two in annoyance after making an exclamation about tests, then turned back to Neville, a sign of dismissal. He then reached for his texbook, and…'"_

Harry tuned him out, incredulous.

How was he supposed to take a test on himself?

Was that even allowed?

Shaking his head, he opened to the chapter of tea leaves, and finished yesterday's assignment.

He tried to ignore the fervent scribbling of his classmates every time he turned a page.

Just as he was about to ask Neville to look over the answers, there was a crash against the back of his head, and a blinding poof of green.

A moment later, a very tired frog was slamming its head repeatedly into a desk, and a first year was yelling at her friend.

"You said it would make him love me!"

"How was I supposed to know he wasn't your true love? You said that you were sure!"

"I am! You did something wrong!"

"Did not!"

"Did _too!"_

"Did _not!"_

While they bickered, Neville picked him up in both hands, and started walking to the Hospital Ward.

Harry sighed, or as close to it as a frog could manage.

Neville looked him right in the eyes, and started laughing.

"The Professor was right! You really were going to croak before lunch!"

…

 **...**

 **Hello.**

 **I'm not dead. Surprise?**

 **I got over my medical problems... mostly, and can spend time writing again. Yay. I've changed my writing style a little since my last update, but I felt I should continue the story. You guys are awesome. Thank you for waiting for me.**

 **As always, if you see any typos or grammar mistakes, or have any critiques or requests, leave a review or PM me.**

 **Regards,**

 **Asphodel Gray.**


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